It’s hard to believe that it has been five years since you came into my life. Of course, it was slow at first, a simple twinge of regret for the large salad I was eating, a confidence boost when I didn’t drink, constantly looking in mirrors hoping to see a smaller figure. You snuck in with your thoughts and actions that society deemed socially acceptable, that I didn’t even notice you at first. It was almost 8 months in, when you pushed me to purge, that I even realized you were there. You were so strong and powerful, a force to be reckoned with, and I didn’t have the energy or desire to fight you. I was thriving off of the compliments others were giving me thanks to my relationship with you.
When I decided to begin the painful process of ending our relationship, you were not happy. Even with therapists, regular doctors visits, nutritionists, and family support, your opinion out weighed them all, and I was slipping further into your grasp. You were the most toxic relationship I had ever had, and like most of those relationships, it took a serious intervention to realize that I needed out.
Over the last few years, you have been fading into a more distant memory, than an all encompassing feeling. As odd as this may be, I want to thank you for all that you have given me. Without your presence in my life, I never would have come to terms with who I am as a person, I never would have recognized my true potential, and I would still be the nervous, self- conscious, perfectionist driven young girl instead of the now confident, self loving women that I am today.
Although I know that you will never fully be gone, sneaking up at odd moments throughout my life, I DO know that I now have the coping mechanisms to make sure that you do not take control, ever again. I am ready to say goodbye to you, as ED. For something that I never understood before was that you are actually me, the small scared, self-conscious girl, who needed control and perfectionism to rule her life in order to survive. I am ready to say goodbye to you and hello to the young Jess, who while always be with me, but never control who I am now.
Thanks for everything, and for nothing ED, you were good to me and you abused me, but you made me who I am today, and for that I am grateful.